"I weep so much in 2018, greatly exceeding the number of episodes I have with incontinence. My psychiatrist prescribes another anti-depressant, which I try once. I am in a state of euphoria. Which worries me because I risk having my deepest feeling further camouflaged or even compromised when I am awake, conscious. He acquiesces in my decision. Yes, I think I would rather suffer misery for the rest of my life than inhabit the land of the lotus eaters. Finally I draw a line. Enough is enough. I have dutifully taken medicines prescribed for me for almost thirty years even knowing that I am outdistancing painful memories by blunting whole areas of my brain."